Seth Herzog and Janeane Garofalo
8:54 AM Wake up to the overpowering feeling that I have to pee. In my half-awake state, I’m almost sure I can think of a way out of this jam without having to get up. Realize it’s hopeless. Get up.
9:12 AM Peruse Facebook for what turns out to be an awkwardly long time. Finally get disturbed when I see that my mother has taken the “Which Sex and the City Girl Are You?” quiz, and she’s a “Samantha.”
11 AM Check in with the ladies of The View. Barbara’s still got it!
11:11 AM Make a wish: Please make all my subways “comers” today, not “goers.”
12:22 PM Show up about 15 minutes late to audition for some new romantic comedy aimed at the youth market, usually called something like Andy and Leelee Never Liked Each Other and most likely starring Michael Cera. Do a first take at the sides—that’s industry talk for “the scene.” The casting director says, “Even more natural, just say lines with nothing on it.” So I do it again as if I’m in a library and my face is paralyzed. “Perfect,” the casting director approves.
1 PM Off to the new VH1 studios on Hudson Street to shoot more talking-head commentary for some show like Top 40 Best Shows Featuring Lists of Things or something. Spend two hours trying to come up with original and funny ways to make fun of the same tired topics all in 10 seconds or less. How many different ways can you say, “Clay Aiken is gay”?
2:26 PM Update my list of future projects and update my progress: Start preproduction on my shot-for-shot remake of Pay It Forward; get a NVR FRGT license plate for my old Porsche 911; meet with Lou Dobbs about his new perfume, tentatively titled Ornery.
5:10 PM Head to 30 Rockefeller Center to do the warm-up for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. It’s a fun job I do every day for about 15 minutes. I just talk to the audience and get them going, and then I bring on The Roots. Today there was an Asian guy in full lederhosen. Just ’cause he likes it. That’s audience gold.
9:08 PM Hit the stage at the Slipper Room to host and perform Sweet, my weekly comedy/variety show I produce every Tuesday. I do new material each week, often relating the funny stories that happened to me that week—running into a guy in my building wearing one of my T-shirts that he had stolen from the laundry room; helping a homeless guy reaffirm his existence; offering my take on the news. This week I had The Daily Show’s John Oliver and The State’s Michael Showalter. And every show there is an improvised segment with my mom. Yes, you read that right. This week she acted out an episode of The Maury Povich show. She did all the parts. Stage hog.
12:34 AM Often after shows or late night I’ll meet up with actor Josh Charles and/or SNL’s Will Forte and Jason Sudeikis and some other fellas for some late-night karaoke. What’s my jam? Flashdance’s “What a Feeling,” what else? Then I close out the night with The New Radicals’ “You Get What You Give.” Sometimes I miss the ’90s.
